Let’s face it. Parents have more stuff than ever to make their lives easier. Shoot, my blog helps introduce many of them, but there are still some common sense items that must be invented — soon. I have three kids and don’t know why these things aren’t in every department store in America. Sure, some of this stuff might be as likely as hoverboards to come along in our lifetime, and they might not pass all the safety tests, but all would restore sanity to busy parents’ lives. Something must be done, so here is my list. Borrow it, steal it, share it, whatever you do just invent one thing here and you will go down in parenting folklore as a hero.
1. Shirts With Spit-Proof Shoulders
How many times have you left the house with spit up, food, or saliva stains on your shoulder?! C’mon fashion designers, can’t we make shirts with some Teflon fabric already that are baby proof? I now judge the cleanliness of my shirts just based on the collection of spots on the shoulders. Something must be done.
2. Diapers That Actually Work
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t trap poop in a diaper? I feel as though there is a hidden tunnel that is there specifically to channel poop up my baby’s back. How do babies pull off the trick of getting it up to their armpits without much actually landing inside the diaper anyway? Sure, your kid looks cute, but transfer him to solid food and you might need a hose in the nursery to wash that crib down. Accomplish this feat, and you will make millions.
3. Pacifier Adhesive
There have been points in time when I have looked longingly at duct tape and thought it would solve all my problems. Can’t we have just a little nontoxic pacifier glue? I know, I know, there are all kinds of problems with this, but an exhausted parent can dream right?
4. A Kid-Sized Hamster Water Bottle For The Bed
This calling for more water has to stop. I guarantee with a kid-sized hamster feeder, bedtime will be 300 percent more enjoyable. The kid needs water? They just reach up to the wall mounted gigantic upside down water bottle and all is right with the world. Sure it would look ridiculous, but just think how much more entertaining Instagram would be. #KidsWithHamsterBottles
5. Velcro Onesies
Another no brainer. Onesies with snaps were designed by the devil himself. They should be illegal in all 50 states. I think being a zipper and Velcro-only country would stop half of all parent meltdowns. Point me in the direction of the store that sells these first, and I will spend whatever it takes. They could even have a “Snaps Onesie” exchange program where you can trade in your vile snaps for the ease of Velcro. I might just cry tears of joy instead of tears of frustration.
6. Baby Earplugs
It’s a known fact that babies are born with the mutant power of “Super Hearing.” They will wake up out of a dead sleep if you drop a teddy bear on the carpet from two floors away. It’s near impossible to sneak out of the room at 2 a.m. after you lay them down. Baby earplugs are the only thing that can save us from their mutant powers.
7. Jeans with Kid-Proof Knees
Science can design bulletproof vests but it’s impossible to make jeans that make it through my son at the playground? I don’t care if there are metal plates installed, there has to be something we can do.
8. A Seatbelt For Eating at the Dining Room Table
What do you do when your child is too old for the booster seat but is allergic to actually sitting down at dinner? I’ve actually mentioned this before in my other column on kids and dinnertime, but it’s too important not to talk about here. It’s like it is physically impossible for them to stay seated for longer than 3 bites of food. The dinnertime seatbelt saves meals and lives.
9. A “Freeze Frame” Zach Morris Timeout
How many arguments have you been in the middle of in which you just needed a short breather? Exactly. Saved By The Bell was ahead of its time when it introduced Zach Morris calling “timeout” in the middle of a scene. Parents need this ability. Think about it. Everything freezes and you go eat a bowl of ice cream, then go back and solve the fight over who gets what book. You might even be able to finish cleaning the house before the first room you already cleaned gets messed up again.
10. Instant Toddler Hug
As a dad, there is not much that brightens my day more than my son coming over and giving me a big hug. Why not get that feeling all day long? I don’t know how to do it, but bottle toddler hugs and they would fly off the shelf. The world would just be a better place.