It’s too bad that there’s such a thing as child labor laws, because there are some career paths that are just naturally suited for toddlers. Little kids do not give a damn about being loud, dirty, mouthy, or dangerous, which are but a few prerequisites for real jobs that actual professionals do.
Don’t believe me? Just take a look at these 10 jobs and tell me your toddler wouldn’t be the perfect candidate:
1. Product Tester
There is not a plastic sword, race car, board book or bath toy that has survived more than a week in my house without constant parental supervision. If we want something to last, then it goes into mandatory timeout time on the refrigerator, otherwise the toddler will destroy it with his shark teeth, monster claws, and/or his amazing ability flush things down the toilet.
Try telling a toddler that he can’t have that cupcake. I dare you. You will have to stand back in horror as a barrage of screams, threats, or quivering lip pleading affronts you. Your child will wear down your will to live, let alone keep him from the cupcake.
Everyone knows that a politician can’t be trusted, what with the constant stream of gibberish uttered at every voter or microphone. The same adage applies to toddlers! A cute little toddler will say ANYTHING to get his way. He will kiss you, call you awesome and then lie to your face when you ask him if he cut the dog’s fur with the green safety scissors.
4. Air Traffic Controller
What is it about launching things in the air and watching them collide or crash or glide or fall that is so mesmerizing to kids? Everything gets launched off the top of the stairs or catapulted across the living room. Windows break. China breaks. Dogs go into permanent hiding under the furniture when these high flying toddlers are around.
5. Food Safety Tester
Dog licked the ice cream? No problem. A bowl of spaghetti landed on the floor? Mmm, seasoning. Found a goldfish cracker lodged in the car seat from three months ago? Sweet, dude. Kids eat the grossest things. But they still won’t touch broccoli. WTF is up with that?
6. Fashion Designer
Little kids love to experiment with fashion. The last time I went to the grocery store I was accompanied by my tiny tot fashionista who sported rain boots, swim shorts, a ninja shirt with a cowboy vest and a faux mustache. He turned heads.
7. Interior Designer
Any trip to the bank, the dentist or the doctor’s office earns us a pile of stickers with the adhesive powers of super glue. Do you know where those frickin’ things end up? On my car windows, the living room wall, the side of the bath tub … everywhere.
Just like those hilarious bloggers who have zero fear of backlash and who will point out anything, so too will toddlers. Just the other day my verbose wunderkind told a woman at the post office that his poop was bigger than his dads.
9. Customer Service Representative
Toddlers love phones. Whenever a phone rings they lose their ever-loving sh*t. Any regular object like a calculator, a remote control or even a race car can be a makeshift phone that they will babble total nonsense into.
10. Stunt Men
Toddlers will climb on, jump off of or attempt to hang, dangle and balance on whatever is the most dangerous choice available. It’s no wonder why parents of toddlers have a higher rate of gray hair than at any other time in parenting … or … it at least feels that way.